Mixtapes’n’Tapes: Part 3 – Praying to the Porcelain Deity…

Mixtapes’n’Tapes is an ongoing feature whereby one member of the Fugitive Motel collective challenges another to create a mixtape on a given theme. There are no restrictions on either the theme or the tape itself; the person who is being challenged may take as many liberties with the theme as they like. The feature operates a bit like a chain letter, so then, after creating the mixtape, they become the challenger and come up with a theme for another member of the collective. And that, my friends, is that.

When I first read Lellie’s mix-tape challenge for me, I gasped and cursed, knowing that she had found my musical Achilles heel. “But I thought the challenge would be something like ‘songs to be sick to!’ ” I grumped to my (as per usual) audience of one.

Then I realised that I was in charge of deciding Mr. Curran’s fate, and thus decided that this topic would provide my mixtape challenge for him. After all, we all need a good song to chunder to; either one which will set the vom-cogs into action, or one which will prove a comforting post-vom aid, helping to banish any shame which this most dignified of human behaviour can sometimes unleash. Indeed, I could have done with Shaun’s mixtape when I was very publicly sick all over myself while strapped into a descending plane a few weeks ago, but it comforts me to know that it will be there for next time.

words: Martina Booth

Another tough topic, but here’s Shaun’s musical riposte…

1. The Beach Boys – Don’t Worry Baby
OK. On the surface, this may seem like a weird one, what with it being one of the most gorgeous songs ever written and all, but I can speak from experience that this is a song to be sick to. It happened at Benicassim festival, near the back of the main stage (I couldn’t make it to the toilets) after a night of doing things I shouldn’t have. Very surreal. But, I suppose in the absence of your mum when you’re being sick, you need someone to tell you everything’s gonna be just right. Am I right?

2. Seasick Steve - Doghouse Song
Many of you won’t have heard of Seasick Steve - probably because you all have lives and didn’t spend New Year’s Eve moping around your flat, not drinking and watching Jools Holland’s annual Hootenanny. But from my miserable New Year came one bright spark, in the form of a man who looks like the singer from Rednex if he had lived on the streets of L.A for 105 years and lived on nothing but the American equivalent of Merrydown. He probably smells so much he would make you sick, but sick is in his name, so he’s in the list. A-wooooooooo!!!!

3. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds – O’Malley’s Bar
How can Nick Cave - a man who loves nothing more than songs about rape, murder, murderous rape and drinking pints of blood (probably) - not be included? He’s had plenty of moments – bashing Kylie to death with a rock in Where The Wild Roses Grow, singing about Jack the Ripper, merely being in the Birthday Party – but this, from the excellent Murder Ballads (yes, songs about murder) is the one. Who would want to walk into O’Malley’s bar after Cave has gone in, killed everyone in there in hilarious fashion and then given himself up? Count how many people he kills, you’ll lose track after about 10 minutes of this song. Not for the squeamish.

4. Queens of the Stone Age – Feelgood Hit of the Summer
Legend has it that the constant refrain from this song – "# Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alchohol… C-c-c-c-c-cocaine!!! #" – was singer Josh Homme’s drug intake on New Year’s Eve in 1998. Now try doing that without being sick. Go on. I dare you. (NOTE: The Fugitive Motel does not seriously advocate Shaun’s challenge, simply saying ‘do whatever you like, just in moderation’.)

5. Ash – Darkside Lightside
Unremarkable final track on an otherwise stonking album, but leave it playing after you think it has finished, and what will reveal itself is one of the best hidden tracks on CD. Basically, Ash get pissed, break into recording studio, record themselves fucking around and being sick. Which is great fun, unless you’re the one throwing up.

6. Primal Scream – Accelerator
There are some songs that could evoke thoughts of vomiting, but surely no song could actively seek you out and force you to vomit quite like this one. If you had this on loud enough, and were stood in the right position, the sheer bollock-trembling nastiness could hit your gut and you’d be sick there and then. Or you could just think about Mani. It probably has the same effect for some people.

7. The Stooges – I Wanna Be Your Dog
Anyone who has seen Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels will know why this song is here. Picture the situation; you are gambling (I can certainly relate to that), you go for it, the whole duck or no dinner, and it goes tits up. Now, I feel bad enough when Carlisle United concede a last minute equaliser that costs me a tenner, never mind when you owe half a million quid. You feel sick, nauseous, don’t know what to do – what better intro than I Wanna Be Your Dog? It’s a great scene in the film, and no song could portray Ed Moran’s feeling more aptly. And yes, I am equating my experience of losing £10 to this situation. It’s all relative!

8. Feeder – Stumble and Fall
In my opinion, the worst song, by the worst band in the history of music. Ever since music started (whenever that was), there has not been a worse band than Feeder. You could honestly pick any Feeder song - they all make you want to throw up as soon as you hear them - but I think this pips even Buck Rogers (worst lyrics of all time) for being the most wet, hideous, stomach-churning, disgusting, revolting piece of tripe ever recorded.

9. Morrissey – Dear God, Please Help Me
Now, I love Moz as much as the next man - unless the next man happens to wear his hair in a quiff, sport a hearing aid and was in the video to There Is A Light That Never Goes Out (those people do exist…) - but this song is just a case of too much information. Yes, we know he’s not celibate and maybe never was, but do we really need to hear Morrissey singing about sex? “# I have explosive kegs between my legs #”, “# He motions to me, with his hand on my knee #”, “# I’m spreading your legs, with mine inbetween… #” Is it not like listening to your parents?

10. Bob Dylan – Absolutely Anything
Seriously now, can anyone actually stand the sound of that man’s voice? Coupled with the harmonica (the last refuge of the untalented), I’m surely not the only person who gets a woozy, queasy, unsettling feeling whenever I hear him ‘sing’ and ‘play’? I am? Oh. Well, he makes me feel sick anyway, the miserable old git.

words: Shaun Curran